


let me live another day

by fairyrennies



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Ambiguous/Open Ending, Character Death, Death, M/M, Medical Inaccuracies, Mentions of Blood, also probably some legal inaccuracies, i feel the need to tag that again because it's talked about quite a bit, i mean VERY, jeno's a doctor (intern), let's pretend that doesn't exist, major character illness, please note the archive warning, rated for swearing and potentially heavy topics, renjun's sick, very brief on the blood
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-17
Updated: 2020-02-17
Packaged: 2021-02-28 05:28:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,128
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22778713
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fairyrennies/pseuds/fairyrennies
Summary: jeno's dream is to be a doctor. his first day as an intern, he meets dr. seo, the surprisingly joyful surgical oncologist, and a cute boy with bad lungs and morbid jokes who somehow manages to make jeno's heart skip a beat.
Relationships: Huang Ren Jun/Lee Jeno
Comments: 14
Kudos: 69





	let me live another day

**Author's Note:**

> this is my first time writing an actual fic with plot and it's. long. (really it's not that long, but long enough for me). sorta beta read except for the ending. anyways, i hope this one makes you cry.

jeno loves the hospital. as morbid and mildly fucked up as it sounds, he genuinely enjoyed the shiny, white tiled floors, the large windows, and even the smell of disinfectant. most of all, he loves helping others. he knows this was a trait acquired from his mother, his greatest inspiration. she was a doctor when jeno was younger. some of his favorite memories consisted of her bringing him in to work to show him around and teach him about the weirdest and rarest diagnosis she could think of. jeno’s mother was the reason he spent hours researching internship programs and extracurriculars for himself. he worked his ass off, studying day and night, until he was lucky enough to be chosen for a program working under a surgical oncologist.

his first day as an intern, however, terrified the hell out of him. dr. seo, the surgeon he would be studying under, seemed pleasant enough from his two minute google search, but working in oncology couldn’t be something for bright people full of joy. dr. seo ended up being exactly that. he was young and energetic, so full of hope, it baffled jeno. 

“i can already tell what you’re thinking, kid,” dr. seo chuckles at jeno’s not-so-subtly surprised face. he turns on his heels, hands in the pockets of his lab coat, and starts down the hall. jeno is stunned, frozen in place until dr. seo looks back and motions for jeno to follow him. “first lesson of the day: don’t look at a patient like they have a death sentence written across their forehead. it’s a little insulting, if you ask me.”

“s-sorry, sir,” jeno stutters, having to quicken his pace to keep up with dr. seo. “if you don’t mind me asking, why oncology?”

“i like to think i’m good enough at my job to make cancer seem a little less scary.” he stops abruptly, turning to face jeno with a smile. “it’s not always helpless, you know?” jeno feels himself start to grin as well. he supposes that’s just the affect dr. seo has on people, which makes his reasoning more valid. they’ve reached the patient hall by now, and they continue walking a few doors down before stopping again at room 203. “however,” dr. seo pauses, his hand on the doorknob, hesitant to turn it. “there’s always a few cases where there’s only so much you can do.” the words confuse jeno, but he doesn’t have time to dwell on it as dr. seo swings the door open, loudly greeting the patient inside.

“rise and shine, mr. huang!”

the patient in question throws the pillow previously covering his face, aiming for the doctor, but instead, it weakly falls at the foot of the bed. he was surprisingly young, couldn’t have been much older than jeno.

“last night mr. huang was admitted with a recurred case of pleural effusion, which, dr. lee, can you guess what it was treated with?”

“i don’t see a chest tube… maybe a thoracentesis?’

“precisely. we’ve decided to keep mr. huang overnight for observation while the fluid is being tested at the lab so we can figure out why the buildup has recurred.”

“am i suddenly your human textbook?” the boy scoffs as he reluctantly pulls himself to sit up. he had delicate features, sharp in some areas and rounded in others, giving him an overall cute look on his pale skin. yet those features were exactly what made him so intimidating once he glares at jeno a little too long after noticing jeno’s stare.

“don’t be silly, renjun. this is dr. lee. he’ll be assisting me for the next few months, so i suggest you get used to the questions.” the boy, renjun, jeno assumes, keeps his eyes locked on him. a chill runs through jeno’s spine from the look. “but if you prefer to be addressed as a textbook, that can certainly be arranged.”

“not funny!” renjun calls after dr. seo as he begins to exit the room, jeno scrambling after him as his laughter rings through the halls.

“you’re as pale as a ghost, kid,” dr. seo jokes, gently nudging jeno with his elbow while he leads him to their next patient. “don’t let renjun scare you; i’ve known him long enough to tell you that he’s harmless.”

the rest of the morning visits certainly weren’t as eventful as the first. each person was uniquely different from the last. one woman was in for a check up after having her breast cancer successfully eliminated. there was a man with a brain tumor, yet he was one of the happiest people to be seen in the entire hospital. jeno’s favorite was the kind older woman who reminded him of his grandma. by his lunch break, jeno was certainly exhausted.

“you’ve got some homework, kid.” before jeno could locate the direction of dr. seo’s voice, a large stack of papers was placed in front of him. “i’ll be in surgery for the rest of the day, so i want you to read and familiarize yourself with these charts. i have a busy morning tomorrow as well, so take your time.” jeno sputters, tripping over his words, but it’s useless as dr. seo is already walking away. “happy reading!”

reluctantly, jeno takes the charts and finds a comfortable spot in the lounge area next to the nurses’ station on the second floor. there are plenty of windows around, flooding the area with natural lighting so jeno didn’t have to strain his eyes under any harsh, fluorescent lights. he did wish he remembered to bring his glasses, however. to compact the files, the font size was a tad too small for him to read.

“god, stop doing that. it hurts my eyes just looking at you squint.” jeno glances up from the packet in front of his face to see the boy from this morning sitting on the coffee table across from him. jeno has to mentally suppress the heat rising in his cheeks as he realizes the boy is much prettier up close.

“renjun, right? you had a majorly invasive procedure last night… what are you doing out here?”

“nothing gets me energized after having a giant needle stabbed into my chest like taking a lap around the hospital.” for a minute, jeno thinks he’s serious, but the look on renjun’s face after he doesn’t get it tells him otherwise. “i’m joking, dumbass. my room is across the hall.”

he wasn’t joking about the last part. jeno looks to his left to see, lo and behold, room 203 with the door cracked open. “that doesn’t explain why you’re out here talking to me when you should be resting.”

“have you considered, perhaps, that i’m painfully bored?” 

“that’s a shame. better find someone else to bother because i’m not here to entertain you.”

“ooh, you’re a little feisty. i like that.” jeno feels his cheeks burn at that, and he hates the way he sees renjun smirk from the corner of his eye as he brings the papers closer to hide the red hue. for as cute as renjun was, he was also quite annoying.

“can i go back to my work, or are you not done bothering me yet?”

renjun fakes a gasp, bringing his hand to his heart in astonishment. “not going to lie, that kind of stings.” jeno purposefully ignores him, and he has a peaceful thirty seconds of silence before renjun sighs, overly dramatic, pushing himself off the table.

“fine, i’ll leave you be, but you better get used to me.” jeno looks up once more curiously, leading renjun to smile slyly. “you’re stuck with me ‘til i die, doc.”

jeno watches as he crosses the hallway to his room and shuts the door behind him, not even a glance back. he was certainly an interesting character.

the next morning, dr. seo nearly tramples jeno in efforts to look for him. jeno figures he must be late for something, which dr. seo confirms that something came up with the patient in 325 meaning he has to do an emergency surgery, prompting him to tell jeno to do morning rounds on his own, and to only page him if someone is dying.

“oh! don’t forget, 203 needs an iv placed today, but for the love of god, don’t do it yourself!” was the only “advice”, if you could call it that, jeno was given before dr. seo sprints off.

checking in with every patient he’d been assigned was a simple enough task, which is likely why dr. seo trusted him enough to do it. nothing eventful came up, thankfully, but now jeno was dreading the last patient he had to check on. after reluctantly dragging himself up the stairs to the second floor, he hovers against the wall near the nurses’ station, hidden from their line of sight as to not appear creepy in any manner, yet hesitant to ask for help.

he didn’t want to be seen as the idiot intern who didn’t know how to place an iv by himself, but then again, he didn’t know who else to ask since dr. seo told him he wasn’t allowed to do it on his own. then again, he also didn’t want to make something like an iv seem like a nurse’s job that he was too important to do. but on the other hand-

“have the hots for a nurse already, lee?” jeno visibly jumps, which he can hear renjun snicker to as he turns to find the boy leaning in the doorway of his room only a few feet from where he’d been standing. “it’s a shame, i thought we really connected last night.”

“i-i’m not-,” jeno sighs, blushing furiously both from renjun’s implication and flat out embarrassment. “i need to ask a nurse to help with your iv.”

renjun bursts out in a fit of laughter, which at first humiliates jeno until the noise morphs into a painful-sounding cough. even though renjun is still smiling by the end of it, the concern doesn’t leave jeno’s face as renjun drags him around the corner to the desk where a woman is sitting, intently focused on scribbling notes.

“good morning, miss mina,” renjun greets cheerfully, to which the woman immediately responds with a warm smile and equally as pleasant response. “if you have a moment, my friend here needs help with my iv.” 

jeno was astounded watching the two interact. “miss mina” was more than happy to teach jeno how to place an iv, after somehow managing to coerce renjun back to his bed in less than a minute. the whole time renjun asked questions like “how are the kids?” and “did you see the latest master chef episode?” it was almost as if jeno was astral-projected into another universe with a completely different renjun.

“thank you, mina. you’re a gem!” renjun playfully blows a kiss as mina leaves the room, giggling and waving off the boy’s joke. renjun glances over to find jeno absolutely faded. “what’s with the look, lee?”

“i’m not sure what i just watched happen was real.”

“oh?” renjun tilts his head in genuine curiosity before shrugging his shoulders and reaching for the backpack on the floor next to his bed. “if you mean mina, i’ve been in and out of here for awhile, so i’ve known mina as long as i’ve been sick. she’s like my mom, i guess.” jeno can hardly believe how casual renjun is about having spent so much of his life within the confines of the hospital, but then again, he must’ve had a lot of time to cope with it. renjun continues while placing a worn pad of paper on his lap and retrieving a pencil from the small nightstand to his right. “she used to bring me extra pudding cups when i was still in the pediatric ward. not gonna lie, the lack of pudding is what sucks most about being an adult now.”

renjun finally looks up at jeno who had yet to move, standing in the middle of the room like an idiot. “are you going to sit down eventually, or…?”

“o-oh, uh, yeah- no, i have charts to do.”

“bring them here and keep me company, why don’t you?” jeno had to admit, renjun presented a decent idea. there weren’t many other interns in the hospital, and the few that he’s seen around were certainly more busy than he was. with a small sigh, jeno mutters a hushed ‘fine’ before he exits the room and comes back a few minutes later with his stack of unfinished charts.

“let me tell you, i’m feeling better already, doc,” renjun says the second jeno walks through the door. if renjun had any aspirations, it seemed to be to annoy jeno.

“what did they give you to make you so obnoxious this early in the morning?” jeno asks more so himself as he pulls a visitor chair to the foot of renjun’s bed and begins flipping through the papers to find where he’d left off. he was at least thankful he remembered to bring his glasses today.

“first of all, it’s almost noon. secondly, morphine. weren’t you paying any attention?”

“holy shit,” jeno looks up abruptly, to which renjun glances back with a confused expression. “straight to morphine? not even advil first?”

“advil? don’t make me laugh,” renjun chuckles casually. “i like the hard shit.”

when jeno doesn’t respond, renjun feels the need to explain. “all the other pain meds stopped working for me years ago.”

jeno can’t help but pick up the mildly dejected tone renjun attempted to bury when speaking his last words. all jeno feels he can do is nod, which leaves the two in silence. surprisingly, jeno finds the lack of words between them comfortable, and a solid half hour passes effortlessly with the only sounds being the scratch of renjun’s pencil, jeno flipping between pages, and an occasional cough from renjun. after a while, jeno is the first to break the silence.

“are you drawing something?”

“maybe,” renjun mumbles, though jeno knows for sure he is. he’s been noticing renjun studying parts of his face for prolonged periods of time before focusing his attention back to the notepad set comfortably on top of his legs pulled close to his chest. “stop moving, i can’t get your nose right.”

“will you let me see when you’re done?”

“absolutely not,” renjun responds immediately. “and before you get butt-hurt, i never let people see the first sketches i do of them.”

“you seem really passionate about this.” jeno couldn’t find the time to be upset between how captivated he was by renjun being so serious about something. he was starting to realize just how complex of a person the boy was.

“i am.”

“have you considered art school?”

“i stopped considering any sort of schooling ever since i dropped out in 10th grade”

“why did you drop out?” jeno questions, though it only makes him sound like an idiot, as the answer is obvious.

“you’re not a very smart doctor, are you?” renjun lowers the notepad to look jeno dead in the eyes, a blank expression written across his face. “i missed so many days, and my health wasn’t getting any better, so i figured, ‘what’s the point?’”

“as i like to say,” renjun continues, adding what appeared to be the finishing touches to his sketch. “i’m here for a good time, not a long time.”

“that’s kind of morbid.”

“but it’s the truth.” after one final line, renjun flips around his notepad and tosses it to the end of his bed for jeno to see. “i’m making an exception for you, but don’t let it go to your head.”

jeno gingerly picks up the notepad, his eyes wide in amazement. the penciled drawing was simplistic and very sketchy, yet it looked exactly like jeno. a little more cartoonish, but incredibly realistic. jeno stares for nearly a full minute, completely astounded. "this is really good."

renjun avoids looking jeno in the eyes with a sheepish look and shrugs, leaning over to pull the notepad from jeno's hands. "thanks, doc."

"jeno, actually." renjun peers at jeno with a puzzled look, tenderly holding his drawing close to his chest. "my name's jeno."

renjun gives him a curt smile accompanied with a nod, a hushed 'right' leaving his pink lips.

just then, jeno's pager beeps. he glances down to recognize the number as dr. seo's, meaning he must be out of surgery. 

"i gotta go," jeno says, his eyes catching renjun nod again as he gathers his charts in his arms. "i'll see you later?"

"i'm not going anywhere," renjun jokes dryly. he smiles when he hears jeno quietly laugh. renjun watches silently as jeno returns the chair he'd been using and begins to leave the room. as jeno is about to close the door behind him, renjun's voice stops him. "hey, jeno?"

jeno peeks his head in the door curiously, and renjun smiles, a devilish look in his eyes. "you look hot with those glasses."

jeno can hear renjun giggle from behind the door after he closes it in a hurry, attempting to hide his bright red face. his mind is blank of any thoughts before his pager beeps again. 

jeno makes small visits with renjun part of his daily routine. he noticed that renjun doesn't get many visitors, so the least he could do is give him someone to talk to. by the end of the week, jeno finds himself anticipating his daily visit. he had to admit, renjun had grown on him.

as jeno approaches renjun's room, he pauses down the hall where he sees dr. seo leaving renjun's room. the look on his face is strange, one jeno doesn't think he's seen on him before. his chest heaves a sigh as he runs a hand through his hair, clearly distressed. he lingers against the wall before he starts down the hallway away from jeno's line of sight.

jeno can't imagine what could have happened for dr. seo, the embodiment of sunshine, to react like that. his hand hesitates on the doorknob, ultimately deciding to knock instead. once he hears renjun's voice calling a muffled 'come in', he opens the door slowly.

"jeno?" renjun looks up from his lap, where jeno can assume he had his notepad. "you never knock, weirdo."

"habit, i guess." jeno shrugs, but he can tell renjun is still suspicious. "are you okay?"

"i should be asking you that." renjun counters, but the look jeno gives him that politely requests for him to answer his question makes renjun comply. "yeah, i'm fine. just a headache."

jeno nods silently. he feels it would be too pressing for him to ask much more, even though he is technically renjun's doctor. "what are you drawing today?"

renjun appears surprised to hear jeno talk, his attention drawn back up as if he'd forget someone else was in the room. "oh, i'm not– i'm just looking."

"looking?"

renjun scoots over in his bed and motions for jeno to sit beside him in the space he made. jeno hesitates once more upon hearing renjun cough. this one sounded more violent, much worse than it has in the previous days.

"stop being weird, i'm not contagious."

"i know that," jeno speaks quietly as he sits next to renjun, being careful not to kick anything while crossing his legs. "but your cough sounds pretty bad."

"it does that sometimes," renjun replies simply, shifting his notepad so jeno can see it better.

the page renjun has open has various profile sketches of a young boy. jeno notices the numbers scrawled in the bottom right corner dating the page back roughly six years. the art style showed, too. the lines here were more bold and harsh compared to the flowing style renjun had now. yet still, his portraits looked amazingly real. renjun glances at jeno for his reaction, then looks back at the page with a fond smile. "this is donghyuck."

"is donghyuck a character you made?" jeno asks, but judging by renjun's laughter, that wasn't the correct assumption.

"no, he's a friend i had here a while ago."

when renjun doesn't continue, jeno assumes that's all he has to say until he starts to cough again. jeno wishes there was something more he could do for his pain, but all he can do is distract him for now. "there's a story behind that."

"there is," renjun starts with a weak smile. "he was in the room next to me when i was still in pediatrics." he pauses when jeno gives him a worried look. "relax, he just had a minor broken ankle. he was out after a few days, but he always wrote to me so i'd have someone to talk to."

"he still does, actually," renjun continues while flipping the page to a more recent drawing of donghyuck with a picture taped next to it. the picture displayed a much older donghyuck, most likely recent, who has his arm around another boy. "he sent me this picture last month, so i know he's still doing okay. i sent him a letter back, but i don't know if he got it yet since he lives in canada now."

"who is that?" jeno questions while pointing to the other in the picture.

"that's mark, his boyfriend." while renjun speaks, he pages through the papers to find another drawing. "he's studying to be a music producer, i think. i haven't met him, but he seems pretty nice."

renjun continues to flip through the pages, occasionally pausing to show jeno drawings of mina, other patients renjun has known, and even quite a few of dr. seo.

eventually, renjun stops at a page covered in very old sketches of another boy. the pencil was smudged all over the page, the original lines almost faded. the page was dated nearly ten years ago. despite the gray tone across the paper, the penciled boy had eyes that seemed to shine.

"this is jaemin," renjun pauses again, and jeno expects him to start coughing, but he's silent. jeno catches him from the corner of his eye staring at the page. "i wish i could see him again… i could never get his smile right." another period of silence passes as renjun shakes his head with a distant smile. "i can barely remember what he looks like."

"did you not keep in touch?"

"he died."

neither of them can find the words to say after that. it probably took a lot out of renjun emotionally to talk about, and jeno would feel like a dick if all he had to say was 'i'm sorry'.

"i think you two would've gotten along," renjun says, his voice just above a whisper while he closes the notepad. he turns to jeno and gives him a small smile, which jeno gladly returns.

"thank you for that," jeno responds quietly when renjun reaches down to put away the notepad. “for showing me.”

renjun had started coughing again halfway through jeno's sentence. he manages to choke out a 'yeah' in between, but he doesn't stop coughing where he usually would. jeno attempts to comfort him by rubbing his back, but he can feel renjun's chest heaving against his palm. once he starts gasping for air, jeno begins to panic. he scrambles off the bed, pushing the emergency button while grabbing the oxygen mask nearby.

the rest is a hazy blur, flashes of the blood splattered on renjun's hoodie sleeve, the nurses and doctors rushing into the room while jeno is pushed out, then jeno nearly passing out in the supply closet while he pages dr. seo.

jeno doesn't see renjun again until he's about to leave for the day. he knew renjun was okay, he just had a small scare, but he couldn't shake the paranoid feeling from his chest.

"are you doing okay?" jeno asks from the door, only half-way in the room. 

he'd never seen renjun look so exhausted. renjun didn't respond at first, which made jeno think he was asleep before he sat up properly. he seemed to struggle with the movement, his face looking absent of nearly all color. when he speaks, his voice is barely there. "i need a hug."

within seconds, jeno is leaning down to hold renjun in his arms, the smaller boy sitting on the edge of the bed, burying his face wherever he can on jeno to hide the few tears that slip from his eyes. though jeno, being as observant as he is, notices.

"what's going on?" he asks softly while wiping away the wetness on renjun's cheeks with his thumb.

"i’ve… never kissed anyone.”

“are you serious?” jeno pulls back suddenly and renjun laughs. though, he doesn’t sound the same. it was as if the life was taken from his voice and all that was left was a hollow sound. “is that what this is about?”

renjun simply shrugs, a lazy smile on his tired face, and jeno sighs. renjun grabs both of jeno’s hands, not quite interlacing their fingers, but rather holding him close so he wouldn’t leave as he says, “no, but maybe i’ll tell you if you do me a little favor.”

“let me guess; you want me to teach you how to kiss someone?”

“something like that,” renjun hums with a small lilt in his voice. jeno can’t help but smile a little. even though renjun hasn’t been the same since he last saw him earlier that day, he’s still the sly, playful renjun he’d gotten to know.

“if you really want to talk about this…” jeno starts, already dejected with how ridiculous the whole idea sounds as he sits next to renjun who turns to face him with a stupidly cute look on his face. “first of all, don’t be stupid and go around kissing random people. do it with someone that you actually like.”

“really, just make sure they’re okay with it, and just go for it. start light, i guess… don’t go french right away. but especially for you, stop to breath every once in a while, and,” he stops for a second to lightly elbow renjun who had started laughing.

“you sound like a parental wikihow article.” renjun smiles, to which jeno rolls his eyes.

“what else would you rather–” before jeno can finish his sentence, renjun pressed a brief, shy kiss to his lips, leaving jeno completely flustered.

“like that?” renjun asks quietly, finding jeno’s eyes hesitantly.

jeno doesn’t even think as he cups renjun’s warm cheeks with his hands and leans down, their lips gently brushing together. one of renjun’s hand slides to the back of jeno’s neck, his cold fingertips making him shiver. his lips are dry and pale, yet jeno wouldn’t want him any other way, because that’s just renjun. 

and maybe he's crazy, since he just met this boy a week ago, but he really likes renjun.

finally, renjun closes the minuscule gap between them. he tastes vaguely like mint chapstick, and jeno nearly forgets to breathe. his heart leaps in his chest, the beat rushing throughout his entire body to the tips of his ears. if jeno was the type to believe in magic, he would've swore he felt sparks.

the first to pull away was renjun, his mouth parted in little gasps for air. jeno feels the urge to chase after his lips, but he ultimately decides to rest his forehead against renjun’s and catch his own breath. when jeno finally opens his eyes, he finds renjun staring right back at him with a look he can’t decipher.

if anything, jeno wishes he could stop time so he wouldn’t hear renjun whisper, “i have brain metastases, and there’s nothing they can do.”

suddenly, so much yet not enough makes sense. renjun’s worsening condition along with the prolonged stay at the hospital was enough to explain that something wasn’t right. yet somehow, renjun was so full of life despite so much. jeno could learn all the words in the world, yet he wouldn’t be able to find anything to say. so instead, he wraps his arms around renjun and pulls him as close as he can, the tears sliding down renjun’s cheeks wetting his shoulder. neither of them move or even speak until renjun falls asleep, the exhaustion taking over his body.

when jeno went home, the last thing on his mind was sleeping.

he simply couldn't, his mind flooding with so many dark thoughts of the inevitable future playing in front of him.

of course, that was the first thing dr. seo pointed out on jeno when he showed up in the morning. however, jeno was more interested in presenting his research he'd gathered the night before to him.

"i know i don't have much, but this is what i found last night." dr. seo is visibly confused, but jeno continues while flipping through the notebook he'd written his findings in. "i think we can find something to help renjun, and–"

"hold on," dr. seo cuts him off. when jeno finds his eyes, the look he receives already tells him what he's about to hear. "if this about renjun, there really is nothing we can do."

jeno’s first reaction is to argue, but he knows better than to do so with a very intelligent man.

“we have to look at the bigger picture,” dr. seo says. he’s right, jeno knows he is. part of him doesn’t want to believe it, though. “he’s been sick for a long time. it’s a miracle he’s still here today. the treatments available will only be painful and show no positive results in his case.”

the logical side of jeno insisted that he leave the topic at that. after being dismissed, the first place jeno goes is to renjun. 

“don’t you have a job that you should be doing?” is the first thing renjun says when jeno walks in.

“117 has surgery today, but he really doesn’t like me, so i’m not allowed to observe.” jeno sits at the edge of the bed while renjun shifts closer to join him. 

“and i’m your first priority? i’m honored, jeno. really.” renjun earns a well-deserved smack on the arm for that, though jeno still smiles.

“let’s go for a walk,” jeno says as he stands suddenly, hand extended for renjun. a part of him hesitates, but he takes jeno’s hand and pulls himself up from the bed where he instantly stumbles. jeno has to catch him or else he would’ve hit the ground, but renjun plays it off with a small giggle.

“they put me on new medication that’s supposed to help with my cough,” renjun explains as they walk (read: shuffle) down the hall. renjun has a tight grip around jeno’s arm to keep him standing, and his socks sliding on the linoleum resulted in a need for smaller steps. “i forgot what it’s called, something with pearls.”

“tessalon perles?”

“yeah, that. my throat is kind of numb now, which is… different.” renjun pauses to roll the legs of his long pajama pants that had slipped over his heel. “anyways, one of the side effects is dizziness, so my balance is pretty messed up.”

jeno knew medicine always had side effects, yet the dark spiral his brain led him to wonder. dizziness was a symptom of brain tumors. so were headaches, which renjun had a lot more of these days. of course, renjun would have symptoms, but--

“jeno?”

“sorry,” jeno mumbles, suddenly snapping out of the dark headspace he’d slipped into. “were you saying something?”

“nothing important,” renjun responds, his voice hushed in a near whisper, his eyes locked on jeno. jeno looked back and could see the questions renjun was holding back in his eyes. he simply shrugged as an answer, which renjun didn’t accept at first, yet jeno held his stare in their wordless, mildly passive-aggressive conversation until renjun caved and looked away. 

“i’ve been wondering,” jeno starts after an uncomfortable period of silence between the two. “i haven’t seen your parents around.”

renjun doesn’t respond right away, which sends jeno into a panic.

“sorry, was that too personal–”

“it’s fine, jeno. relax.” renjun rolls his eyes and gently nudges jeno’s side. jeno appreciates the gesture to calm his spiked heart rate. “my mom works a lot, so she’s busy. and my dad’s never been around, so there’s that, too.”

“i’m sorry,” is jeno’s regretful response. he never knows what to say in these situations, but he really should have considered something less dumb to say.

“don’t be.” renjun throws him a brief smile to back his assuring words. “that’s just life. now tell me about yours.”

to say the least, jeno was surprised that renjun was asking about him. he’d mentioned a few personal details about himself to renjun a few times, but jeno was typically very reserved and didn’t talk much about himself.

“i never had a dad either if that helps anything.” the words that left jeno’s mouth shocked him. he hadn’t expected to open up so easily, but he supposes renjun was different from anyone he’s ever met before. “i really look up to my mom, though. she’s the main reason i’m a doctor.” he has to take a moment, during which he catches renjun’s stare full of interest and wonder on him. “she died a few years ago, and i still miss her, but i think i’m doing okay.”

they’re silent again, and jeno can’t bring himself to return renjun’s gaze that’s still on him. renjun slides one of his hands on jeno’s arm down to his hand and interlaces their fingers, and it’s comforting even though renjun’s skin is cold to the touch.

“she’d be really proud of you.”

a gentle squeeze to renjun’s hand is enough to pass along his gratitude as they continue to walk with no words shared between them.

days go by, and jeno can't help but notice renjun's condition subtly worsening. he seemed to have more frequent headaches, and his cough recurring meant his medication wasn't working any more.

and maybe jeno was selfish for being excited to finally watch a surgery up close instead of spending time with renjun, but he had a job after all, and his job was to observe and learn.

as tired as he was after the hours long procedure, he nearly ran to renjun's room to tell him all about it. 

it was about 8 pm, yet when jeno entered, all the lights were turned off with the window curtains shut. his heart dropped in immediate disappointment when he realized renjun was probably asleep but now, until he heard the rustling of bedsheets followed by a soft question of his name.

"i'm sorry, did i wake you up?"

"no, i've been awake…" renjun trails off quietly, neither of them knowing what to say afterward. renjun fidgets with the end of his blanket until he speaks again, his voice small. "can you stay for a while?"

"is something wrong?" jeno asks softly as he lays next to renjun, turned to face him.

"just a headache… the lights hurt, so i turned them off." something about his tone was off, jeno could tell, but he couldn't place what it was. he simply nodded in response, his gaze locked on renjun, hoping for an answer.

"stop looking at me like that," renjun whined, the pout adorning his face just barely visible with the lack of light. regardless, jeno smiled. "how about you tell me where you were all day, hm?"

there was a feeling jeno couldn't shake, the way renjun avoided telling the full truth, his body visibly tense. though, he didn't want to pry, so he complied in telling renjun near every detail about the procedure he observed. renjun listened intently, even through jeno's tangents and extra information which didn't make much sense. 

"i wish i could tell you i did something as interesting today, but alas, i'm burdened by the confines of my horrendous balance and incompetent lungs," renjun says with an exasperated sigh as he turns onto his back, staring at the blank ceiling about them.

"is that what's been bothering you?"

renjun hums in question, confused.

"you seem down… sorry, that's probably too personal. and down is a weird way to put it. it was probably weirder to–" renjun's quiet laughter pauses jeno's unnecessary commentary, which he's silently thankful for.

"you think too much for someone so smart." when renjun pauses, closes his eyes to breath, jeno thinks that's all he has to say, but renjun once again catches him off guard to continue. "but no, i'm just… tired. had some trouble sleeping lately."

"do you need a prescription–"

"no, it's– it's not that. i'm… scared."

renjun's confession isn't what jeno had expected, and it certainly confused him. he restrains himself from saying his first thoughts, because they were more than ignorant to say the least. this couldn't be a simple fear of the dark or monsters in the closet that had renjun losing sleep.

"what are you afraid of?" jeno asks hesitantly.

as much as he tried to keep his composure, renjun's voice wavers, thick with an attempt to hold back the tears welling in his eyes. "what if i don't wake up?"

out of every dark thought jeno has imagined, this one had never once crossed his mind.

"i-i mean, i'm not really afraid of dying. been expecting it for years, a lot more lately too. i've cried my tears for that already. but now that… i don't know, a lot feels different now that i've met you," renjun takes a brief pause in his confession to blindly search for jeno's hand who meets him halfway. jeno laces their fingers together, and renjun continues. "but the point is, i'm terrified of not seeing it coming. when i'm awake, i can feel when something's wrong. that's probably really fucked up to say, sorry. i just… i don't want to fall asleep hoping to have another day of seeing the people i love only to never get that."

"i wish there was something more i could do for you."

renjun turns back to jeno, his grip on his hand tightening slightly. "can you stay the night?"

and he does. renjun eventually falls asleep snuggled up to jeno, head on his chest while the sound of his heartbeat and overall closeness lulls him to sleep. for the first time in weeks, renjun looks peaceful. illuminated by the gentle glow of the moon that managed to peak through the curtains, his face clear of any worries and pain. jeno soon drifts off, listening to renjun's steady breaths, his hand still held in his own.

“do you have a bucket list?”

“no,” jeno spoke carefully, attempting to stay as still as possible. renjun was sitting in front of him on the coffee table in the lounge area across from his room once again, legs crossed and sketchbook in hand. he had already scolded jeno three times for moving too much to get an ‘accurate recreation’. “i guess i feel like i’m too young… i’m assuming you have one?”

“kind of.” renjun peaks over paper, staring intently at one section of jeno’s cheek before returning to his drawing. “i did most of the stuff on it years ago, so i haven’t really thought about it much.”

“really?”

“stop moving.” jeno quickly fixes his posture as renjun glares daggers at him. “but yeah, the story behind that is i got really sick when i was 16. pretty sure i was supposed to die, everyone thought so. my mom took off work and we did almost everything we could. she even let me dye my hair red. unfortunately that came with a really bad haircut. somehow though, i survived.”

“maybe the universe was waiting for a better time,” jeno says more to himself, a thought slipping through the filter.

“i don’t think there is such thing as a better time.”

right. that was not something that should have been said. “is there anything on this list you still want to do?”

“i think… the thing i want to do most…” renjun stops himself, pulling his lower lip between his teeth. jeno noticed that’s a small habit he has when he’s focusing on something. “i want to see donghyuck again. maybe meet his boyfriend. you know, freak him out a little and prove him worthy of dating my best friend.”

“have you tried contacting him?” 

“he’s so busy with school, so i don’t too much outside of the letters.” suddenly, jeno’s pager goes off. he catches renjun’s gaze, giving him an apologetic look. “go do doctor things, i can finish without you.”

as jeno stands, he has a thought. before leaving, he quickly hugs renjun. “give him another call, okay?”

"have i mentioned how cute you look in those glasses?"

jeno doesn't bother looking up from his laptop screen as he replies, completely monotone, "at least twice today, yes."

"good." renjun returns his head to its previous position of resting on jeno's shoulder and watching him work. he was researching the ins and outs of an upcoming procedure he'd be watching next week, not that renjun understood much of the overly complex medical terminology.

"hey, jen?" jeno hums his response, shifting his laptop to function on only one hand as he succumbs the other to the ink of renjun’s pen. “have you ever been in love?”

“no, i don’t think so.”

“me neither,” renjun mutters, moving his head for a moment to get a closer view of his doodle on the back of jeno’s hand. “but it’s been on my bucket list as well. to fall in love, i guess.”

jeno glances at renjun, but he’s quick to push jeno back to looking at his laptop screen, mumbling something about _“don’t look yet”_.

“i’m not sure if i know what love is, but i really like you, lee jeno.” by now, jeno has lost all interest for researching, his focus primarily on the feeling of the lines and dots renjun was poking into his skin. “and even if that might not be love, i’d like to consider my journey here a success. you can look now, by the way.”

all jeno could think about was renjun’s confession. every part of him was screaming to do something, say _something_ to let renjun know he felt the same. he tried to speak, but his mouth hug open, dumbstruck, absentmindedly staring at his hand.

“i used to believe that when someone died, they became a star.” the picture on his skin finally comes into focus where jeno can make out a small fox character standing on the moon, staring into a sea of stars. for a doodle so simple, it was impressive. “as crazy as it sounds, i like to think that’s where i’m going.”

“anyway, move over loser, i’m tired.”

“i can’t stay the whole night this time,” jeno says, reluctant, as he shuts his laptop and places it carefully on the floor beside the bed. he can hear the hesitation in renjun’s voice before he says that _it’s fine_ , when it probably wasn’t. “i promise i’ll be back before you wake up.”

renjun only nods, pulling the blankets up to cover his body in their fuzzy warmth. “i don’t want you to feel like you have to stay here all the time because of me.”

“i don’t feel like that at all.”

renjun nods again, turning to flick off the last of the lights, being a side table lamp set next to the bed.

“renjun.” he pauses to look back at jeno, hand hovering over the switch. “i like you, too. a lot, actually.”

and renjun smiles. a genuine smile that jeno hadn’t seen in days, maybe even weeks. time seemed to stand still, and every burden was gone from his eyes, even if it was just a moment. in the pale light of the cheap lightbulb that flooded the room, renjun looked as beautiful as always. though, it was just a brief memory, gone as soon as it came as the light became darkness.

they say that you can feel when you have a “bad feeling” about something. it’s called intuition. something _was_ wrong. jeno could tell as soon as he stepped onto the second floor. it felt like the entire universe shifted.

he had woken up early and gotten to the hospital at 7 am sharp. he knew renjun wouldn’t be awake for another half hour, at least. yet from down the hall, he could already see the lights in his room were on, the door wide open.

something was definitely wrong.

the closer he got, the louder he could hear someone sobbing. he didn’t want to believe it, but it was. mina surrounded in a protective huddle of other nurses, her face wet with tears.

 _no, you’re jumping to conclusions,_ jeno had to tell himself

“jeno.” the voice was dr. seo’s. jeno looked behind him to see the man himself. the usual brightness is in eyes was gone. dr. seo never called him by his name. it was either ‘kid’ or the more professional ‘dr. lee’.

_this can’t be real. not today._

“let’s sit down.” jeno couldn’t move, but apparently he shook his head. dr. seo had to gently coerce him into one of the chairs in the same nearby lounge area where… he already knew where this conversation was going. it was the same tactic used by every doctor before delivering soul crushing news. jeno’s face began to burn as tears formed in his eyes, not yet ready to fall.

“with the spread of the tumors, renjun’s body began working even harder than it already had to stay functioning. as strong as he was to make it this far…" the first tear slips down jeno’s cheek, the rest following like a broken dam. 

the last time jeno felt this numb was his senior year of high school. up until then, jeno was never really upset about much beside the typical teenage angst. that day he had walked into school while on the phone with his aunt, he had seen his friends wave to him from across the hall, then received the most soul-crushing news of his life. that was the day his mother died. that was the type of pain he felt now, where the second he felt a pair of arms wrap around him, he would break down sobbing.

except this time, he only has himself. after rubbing his eyes dry with the palm of his hand, nodding for dr. seo to continue who had paused out of sympathy. however, the tears refused to stop, only streaming more rapidly, his throat constricting so tightly it felt like he couldn’t breathe. he didn’t want to hear the rest, he already knew. renjun was dead. legally, dr. seo had to tell jeno himself.

“unfortunately, the strain on his body was too much for his lungs to handle. renjun passed away last night.” 

something about your worst thoughts being spoken into reality make them hurt so much more.

dr. seo technically gave jeno the day off, but the last thing he wanted to do was to be at home, alone, with only himself and his mind. so instead, dr. seo lent jeno his office to catch up on paperwork. at least that was jeno could pretend he was being productive while having a private space to cry if he needed to. it was strange, dealing with this type of pain again. loss always seemed to hurt the most. jeno would be able to focus for at least a few minutes, then his mind would drift to renjun. just as he would get his hopes up to see him again, reality slapped him across the face. right, renjun was gone. not just the type of gone where he moved to some other country and jeno couldn’t contact him anymore. renjun was dead. that type of gone. never can be seen again. fuck, jeno missed him so much already. he has to turn away from the papers to not get them wet with his tears. his eyes stung and his head was pounding with how much he cried today, yet his body seemed to insist it wasn’t enough. 

that was the cycle of jeno’s day: work, renjun, crying, headache. he went hours without interruption until around noon when dr. seo knocked on the door to remind jeno to get some lunch. jeno wasn’t officially on work hours, so nothing was stopping him from leaving the building. though he had lacked appetite, he figured he could at least get fresh air, clear his head, maybe some water, too. slipping off his lab coat in place of a light outdoor jacket to combat the mid-autumn winds, he tries to keep a low profile as he crosses through the main lobby. at least he didn’t look like a doctor anymore, so no one could judge him for his puffy, red-eyed face. however, he happened to overhear his name from the help desk. he glances over to see the staff pointing towards him, then a boy roughly his age walking towards him.

the closer he comes, the younger he seems to look with his rounded cheeks. he wore a black and white striped turtleneck that complemented his fluffy, black hair. he carried a backpack on one shoulder over a heavy winter coat, which was probably a bit excessive, as the city didn’t get that cold until at least december.

“are you lee jeno?” the boy asks, and it wasn’t until then that jeno realized where he recognized the boy from.

donghyuck. from canada. renjun’s best friend. renjun, who… 

“can we talk over lunch?”

donghyuck took jeno to a nearby café he’d found on google maps, assumingly since he hadn’t been in the city for years. he offered to buy jeno lunch, which jeno politely declined, instead requesting a glass of water. dehydration was a bitch that was beginning to hit hard.

“how long have you been in town?” jeno decides to ask, only because he’s looking for a reason to start the conversation. he knows donghyuck wants to talk about renjun, but what he doesn’t know is why. jeno is honestly afraid that he’s here to exact his vengeance. after all, isn’t it jeno’s fault? renjun asked him to stay last night, but he didn’t. he could have, but he didn’t. if he was there, he could have helped renjun. maybe if he was there, he wouldn’t be here now, having this conversation. maybe… 

“my flight got in last night, but the hospital’s visiting hours were already closed.” he stops to take a sip of his drink, jeno assumes it’s tea, and glances up at jeno for a moment before his gaze drifts to the wood of the table. “i already know, by the way. about… about renjun. so you don’t need to, uhm… his mom told me. right after she found out.”

“i’m sorry.” it’s pathetic, really, that all jeno ever has to say are empty words of sympathy. when has the phrase ever meant anything worth value, anything that actually is useful to helping someone? donghyuck probably hates him.

but instead, donghyuck shrugs, overly nonchalant, mindlessly tracing circles on the tabletop with his fingertip. “don’t be. renjun’s been sick for a long time. there’s nothing anyone could have done to help.” jeno thinks that maybe donghyuck is being awfully casual about this topic, but… who is he to say that? donghyuck has known renjun much longer than jeno. “it hurts to think that he’s really gone, but i know he’s in a happier place where he doesn’t spend every day in pain. as much as it hurts me, i think that’s enough to have at least a little bit of closure, don’t you think?”

jeno’s eyes meet donghyuck, and part of him gets it. he’s right. slowly, the guilt begins to lift. maybe he even understands the point dr. seo had been trying to make all along. renjun was in a better place for himself, no longer suffering. that’s what really mattered, wasn’t it?

“the reason i wanted to talk to you, jeno,” donghyuck says, leaning over to reach his bag under his chair, searching for something inside. “renjun’s mom gave me some of his old things this morning, and i was going through some of it.” he resurfaces with two sketchbooks in hand. jeno recognizes the larger one as the one he’d seen renjun with. the smaller of the two, however, jeno had never seen before. it looked newer than the first one. “renjun would want you to have these.”

gingerly, jeno delicately holds the sketchbooks in his hands like they were the most precious thing in the world. placing the larger one on his lap to keep it safe, jeno opens the new one to the first page, where he finds a handwritten note from renjun.

“thank you,” he somehow manages, his voice thick with the emotions he was attempting to hold back. he catches a small nod from donghyuck.

“i should go, but,” donghyuck gives him a small, almost sad smile as he throws his bag over one shoulder. “it was nice meeting you, jeno.”

_dear jeno,_  
_my first thought while writing this is, ‘wow, this is dumb. what if i actually don’t die? what am i gonna do then?’ but isn’t that the real dumb thought? regardless, i feel like a dramatic victorian princess on her deathbed writing to her poor, secret beloved who was the lowly servant all along (sorry to imply you’re a servant. in my mind you’re the prince haha). anyways, i hope you don’t mind me taking all these photos of you without you knowing, but… you are a little dense to not notice. and you’re very fun to draw when you’re not moving around all the time, so i like keeping the reference. i know losing someone is one of the hardest things to deal with, and… well, i don’t want you to feel like you’re losing me entirely, yeah? even though i’m not here, i’ll always be with you. so don’t miss me too much, or i’ll haunt your ass (is that too morbid? whoops).  
so here’s something to remember me by._  
_\--renjun_  
_p.s. my favorite is the last picture, so i didn’t draw anything for that one. i know you fell asleep half way during the movie, but i kept playing stuff on your laptop even after that movie ended. not sorry for that one. c: also, you’re cute when you’re sleeping on my shoulder <3 see you in the stars, jeno._

funny how that picture was jeno’s favorite as well.

sleep well, renjun.

**Author's Note:**

> after losing the first ending to an unfortunate battle with google docs, i decided to make the ending more ambiguous, just cause. 
> 
> [twitter](https://twitter.com/fairyrennies)  
> [cc](https://curiouscat.me/fairyrennies)


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